This year, Park’s Upper Division established a new tradition of “Tuesday Talks,” when adult members of the community share their own stories and perspectives with students on topics they believe students will find meaningful. Recently, Head of School Scott Young shared his own “Tuesday Talk” on the topic of “kindness.” His talk has been adapted below. You may also watch a video recording here.
I was a middle schooler a long time ago. I went to a small, independent school, smaller than Park, but similar to Park in lots of ways. I went there from fourth grade until eighth grade. And then, I went to a different independent school for high school, after I finished eighth grade.
During my time in middle school, I had the most amazing teacher. His name was Mr. Jedrey, and he was my math teacher, my science teacher, my advisor, my soccer coach, and my lacrosse coach. He touched on every component of my life during that time, and I thought he was the coolest person.
One day, Mr. Jedrey and I were sitting on a bench outside the cafeteria. A big set of glass doors nearby flew open, and a tall high schooler came running out those doors, laughing. He was laughing in a way that told you he had just done something mean to someone inside the cafeteria. As a middle schooler in eighth grade, I was already over six feet tall. Mr. Jedrey turned to me and said, “Scott, as you get older, you’re gonna be a tall person. Make sure that you are kind. Don’t be mean.” That message resonated with me to the point that I still remember it today.
I’ve told this story many times because it really helped me think about what is important to me as a person, an educator, and a parent. Mr. Jedrey said two things to me that day, “Don’t be mean and be kind.”
I want to talk about kindness today. There are lots of definitions for kindness. Kindness is “the quality or state of being kind.” Kindness is “the sincere involuntary use of one’s time, talent, and resources to better the lives of others and one’s own life in the world through genuine acts of love, compassion, generosity, and service.” It is “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.” I think these are three very useful, very appropriate definitions. But, I’m not sure they fully capture what kindness can be because kindness, for each one of us, is something that’s inside of us.
When I came to Park, one of the things that I loved, even before I was here as the Head of School, was the ethos of kindness I found in this school. People holding doors for each other, saying hello to strangers in the building, caring for each other, and caring for the space. That was really clear to me from the beginning. When I started my new job, I went out and met with high school principals and heads of school and asked them, “What makes Park students so unique when they come to your school?”
At Phillips Academy in Andover, former Head of School John Palfrey told me, “Park kids are glue kids. They’re bridge kids. When they come to Andover, they not only do well academically, but they make Andover a better place by building community through the kindness that they bring.” That resonated with me, and I think it’s important for us to reflect on that because it’s one of our core community values.
That said, kindness is as much about what you don’t do as what you do. This goes back to my story about Mr. Jedrey, who said, “Be kind,” and “Don’t be mean.” Both things are important because first, you have to do no harm. In getting ready for this talk, I listened to a number of TED talks and did some research. A term I learned while doing that was “harmlessness,” the state of being harmless. And I think that’s important because when we keep “do no harm” as our foundation, that means every act of kindness we do builds upon it.
You can be kind sometimes and unkind other times and those two things neutralize each other; one of each brings you back to zero. But if you’re always thinking about doing no harm, even if you just stopped there, you would set a wonderful foundation. Building on that foundation, you can then engage in acts of kindness. When you hold a door for someone, it is additive. When you pay someone a compliment, it is additive. When you wait for a friend or take that moment of pause to make sure that they feel included, it is additive. It is additive when you celebrate another person’s accomplishments. These are all acts of kindness that build upon the foundation of doing no harm.
There is a difference between “kindness” and just being nice. How many of you have said “How are you doing” almost like a greeting? It just came out of your mouth. But what if you ask someone how they’re doing, and you listen and care about what they say? How many of you have then paused to hear how that person is doing… and really hear them? When you walk down the hallway and ask someone how they are doing, it’s different when you keep on going when they say “I’m great” or “not that well,” versus when you are prepared to be with them in each of those moments because you are kind.
Another important part of kindness is interrupting when others aren’t being kind. That means saying, “Stop that” when you see something happening that isn’t kind. That is what makes kindness hard. It is hard to interrupt other people’s behavior because we feel vulnerable and we feel scared, and I want us to be a community that can do that.
Finally, you have to be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself sets a stage, and sets a space for you to be kind to others. There are two parts to that. There’s being kind to yourself, being forgiving of yourself, being affirming and validating of yourself, which we should all do. But also, the act of being kind to others is being kind to ourselves. Because as many of you know, when you give someone a gift, you give yourself a gift. Kindness is a gift we give ourselves as well.
